The Insider’s Guide to San Francisco
Malcontent Strategy
San Francisco is an expansive city famous for its counter-culture hippie moment, bustling tech scene, and being the setting of That’s So Raven. Everywhere you look, there are pigeons, startup success stories, and competing car sharing services.
It’s a city where all the men are seven feet tall, clad in Patagonia vests and pressed pants with clean leather shoes. The women, largely underrepresented in tech, haul their laptops in that one Goyard tote. Nobody is dating each other, but for some reason everyone just got back from a small wedding about an hour away — it was really cute and kind of low-key, but the rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes? They could see the water from where they were sitting and the weather was perfect, so no complaints there.
As somebody who specializes in immersive, luxury travel writing, my hope for you is that you will be able to enjoy San Francisco like a total local. I know the best places to eat, sleep, and play, and I’m looking forward to share them with you.
Dine
The Cheesecake Factory
251 Geary St
The Cheesecake Factory is a traditional American restaurant with an expansive menu and enormous portion sizes. The decor is a reflection of the melting-pot model of American culture — a little rococo, a little Vegas, a little Shakira. Located inside a deluxe-sized Macy’s, San Francisco’s Cheesecake Factory leaves nothing more to be desired — it’s the world’s only perfect dining experience. The Cheesecake Factory is proof that time means nothing and America is forever.
Consider starting with the Roadside Sliders ® before tucking into the hearty Spicy Cashew Chicken with a glass of Jeuness red moscato (it’s very sweet). Then, finish off with the Low Carb Cheesecake With Strawberries Sweeted With Splenda™.
Hack: You don’t need to tip the servers because they take absolutely no pleasure in serving you.
Shop
Macy’s
170 O’Farrell St
Marshalls
760 Market St
Before you stuff yourself at the Cheesecake Factory, pop into Macy’s downstairs to check out Eva Longoria’s line of sensual reading glasses. When you’ve been thoroughly dazzled, set your sights on Marshalls. While all the good stuff has been picked over, the store carries overstock Adidas shoes I’ve never seen anyone wear in real life, Izod polos, and chia seeds. The main shopping area is mostly located underground, while the handbag section is located on the ground level.
Hack: There are no cash registers near the doors at Marshalls. You need to pay in the basement. You can easily steal a Lauren Ralph Lauren handbag by distracting the full-time security guard posted by the doors.
Caffeinate
Starbucks
865 Market Street
Peet’s Coffee
773 Market Street
Anyone who knows me knows I love coffee. A lot of people ask me (and people are literally always asking me — I can’t make them stop!) what is the difference between Starbucks and Peet’s?! Well, besides the fact that Starbucks has a global chokehold on ordinary folks’ tastebuds in literally every country but Israel and North Korea, it’s totally identical to Peet’s. Both chains operate under the same principal: Coffee should be as unique and large as you are. Since SF (that’s what locals call it) is a global city, you can find either store on any corner. They tend to close early in the city centre, so push to the front of the line and get yours fast!
Hack: If you scream at the baristas, they’ll give you whatever you want to make you leave ASAP. Enjoy that coffee to go!
Sleep
Airport Hotel
1550 Bayshore Hwy
While you might be tempted to copy the locals and hole up with 11 roommates, I would actually recommend you go for accommodations that are a little more traditional.
While there are numerous hotels in the inner-city to choose from, I recommend picking one close to the airport, so you can get a real feel for the San Francisco experience and take the BART into the city centre every day. My fave part about the BART, besides the distance between stations, is the pleather seats. Such an underrated material that you can’t help but notice when it’s peeling back from every surface.
The Bay Landing Hotel, located in the general vicinity of the airport, recalls the golden years of American hospitality with its brown carpets, wallpaper, and bedding. You, too, can sleep in comfort knowing it’s just… better in beige.
Otherwise, there are numerous benches inside the airport where you can sleep, and nobody will ask questions if you’re hauling a suitcase around. It’s a great cost-saver too.
That’s it! That’s all there is to do in San Francisco. Please don’t ask me any more questions! Thank you!
